Sunday, June 19, 2016
James and Anna: A love Story.
Chapter 1
He threw his backpack that had everything that mattered to him into the back of this old pickup. He was heading out, he didn't care where he was going. He had made the decision just that morning to leave. The only thing about leaving this town behind was that he would be leaving her behind. Sitting behind the wheel he thought about her. They had broken up 6 months before and she was never far from his mind and heart. He was running away from her. Since they were no longer together he just seemed to be getting by. He was living, but just barely. Yes, his heart beat but without her love it was a hollow beat.
He found himself pulling up in front of the bakery she worked at. He didn't know if she still worked there or if this was her day off. He didn't plan on stopping there, but since he was here he figured he would just go in and tell her goodbye, that he was heading for parts unknown. When he got out of his truck he left it running so that it would be a quick goodbye.
He walked into the bakery and there she was, the sight of her took his breath away. He stood at the counter and said "Hi Bonnie, would you run away with Clyde?" She looked up at him and smiled. Before he knew it, she grabbed her bag from under the counter and the cash from the tip jar. She hurried around the counter and grabbed his hand. She shouted her goodbye. They ran out and jumped into his pickup. As he backed out they were laughing.
She asked him to stop by her room so she could grab some clothes and a few of the things she just couldn't leave behind. A picture of them, the beaded feather he made for her and their favorite CD. She wrote a note that read "Free Stuff" and taped it to the door. She dropped the key in the office mail slot. When she got back into the truck she said "Ready!". They were off. Too where? To where ever they wanted. They were together again and that was all that mattered to both of them.
They got a cheap room on Hwy 101. They didn't talk much during the eight hour drive. She knew that the talking would come later. He dropped the bags on the floor. They sat down on the bed and reached for each other, shy at first then with the growing desire that they both had been denied, by being apart.
She laid her head upon his chest.
"James," she said softly. " I love you."
He feigned sleep, but she knew he wasn't sleeping. She laid there thinking back to that morning when James spoke to her. She knew what was missing from her life, it was him. His voice broke down the wall she put around her heart to keep the pain away that she felt without James . When she looked up at him and into those blue eyes it was like the clouds parted and let the sun shine down on her, to warm her heart. She didn't think twice when he said, "Hi Bonnie,would you run away with Clyde?"
She knew the answer, it was always yes. Everyday for the past six months Anna wanted to call him, to say she wanted to be with him. She loved him. It was a consuming love. She didn't know why and when they were together it was like fire, the way they loved each other.
She didn't know James before he went to war. She met him after he got out of the VA hospital for PTSD. A friend fixed them up. They went to dinner. They talked, they laughed. He did something she would never let any one else do, he asked her how her steak was, then he took a bite of it off her plate. She was a little shocked but not mad about it. She was amused by it. Why with him? Because her heart knew, that he was her love, her consuming fire. She fell asleep thinking about her love for him.
He waited till he had heard her soft snore, it always sounded to him like Anna was purring. He opened his eyes. He stared off into the darkness. He loved the sound of her snore and the feel of her head upon his chest. They never lived together, Anna just spent every weekend at his house. She would get there Friday and leave Monday morning. She never left anything behind, not even her toothbrush. He would walk her to her car and kiss her goodbye and stand there in the driveway till he could no longer see her car. Sometimes he went to his part time job, stocking shelves at an auto parts store. He worked in the back away from the people who came in. He didn't deal well with the customers, he was best in the back. He had a Military pension so he didn't need full time work. He didn't think he could make it through an eight hour work day. He drank too much to make it through an eight hour or even a six hour work day. He worked four hours, three days a week. He would just call and say he wasn't coming in that day and he would be in the next. His father's best friend owned the store so he knew why. He knew the story.
Anna rolled over onto her side. He gently got out of bed and pulled his jeans on and stepped outside to have a smoke. He loved that woman who was sleeping in that bed. It was hard to say the words to her, he didn't know why. He sometimes told Anna he loved her, but she was always asleep. The one time Anna asked him if he loved her, he said "Sure." And that would have to do. The six months they were apart nearly killed him. If he could not deal well without her, then why couldn't he say, "I love you, Anna"?
He had no plans on what to do next, where to go. Just continue to drive up the coast. Maybe Washington would be a place to live, maybe they could find a pace out in the woods, but then again he always wanted to go to Montana. He wanted to be away from people to be able to work on himself. To just be with Anna. She understood him. She knew how to help him by just being there to hold him, or to rub his back till he fell back to sleep after he had awoken from one of his bad dreams. Anna never asked him a lot of questions about what he dreamt about, she never said, "It's all right. It's over now." She knew that it wasn't completely over for him yet. He still thought about what he did over there to protect his troops and how sometimes he just couldn't get rid of the guilt of those he left behind. So he drank to forget. Anna knew those bad nights and she left him to his drinking. He always felt safe with her there. She watched out for him. Oh how he loved Anna.
He went back inside and slipped back into bed. He curled up next to her back and whispered into her hair, "I love you, Anna."
Chapter 2
Anna felt James in her arms, the warmth of his body. Her heart swelled with happiness. They were together again.
She opened her eyes and found herself staring at the Lone Wolf tattoo he had on his back. The tattoo of war, of guilt, of pain. The tattoo of the men in his unit that didn't come home. He carried all of that on his back, a daily reminder of the Hell he walked through for two and a half years. The units were the wolves who walked among the people to try and protect them from their own kind. She knew all of this because she held him in the middle of the night when his mind went back there and his body was here in her arms holding him, trying to keep him here, to keep him together. Maybe trying to love him back to being whole again. It was hard some nights, she felt ashamed of how she was the one who wanted to run away, the one to cry, the one to scream for him, to be mad. Anna never showed him any of this. How could any of it help him? So she held him and whispered to him that she was here.
And she was, she was here with him again. Her heart swelled, she felt her whole body fill with the love for him. She started to get out of bed and James rolled over and reached out to her. She went back into his arms. His arms were strong and his body warm. Anna fell back into the easy grace that was them.
James fell back to sleep after their love making. Anna moved slowly and gently out of bed. She walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to get hot. She looked into the mirror and saw the love for him glowing from her eyes. After the shower Anna got dressed and decided to go get coffee for them.
James opened his eyes just in time to see her slipping out the door. He felt a panic rise in him, then he saw her stuff and knew that she would be back. He needed her. He got up and jumped into the shower, thoughts of where the day would take them. Just keep driving up north. He knew the place to stop, the place to settle. James knew that Washington state had a VA hospital. Where ever they went there had to be a VA around. When all the memories got to be too much he went there, there were others who went through what he did. That walked in his boots. It helped James to be near them, another kind of family for him. These were men who understood how hard it was to rejoin this life where he woke up sweating, still fighting. Then it would come to him that he wasn't there anymore. He was here fighting to fit back into the life. Why did he feel so uncomfortable in his own skin in this world?
He drank at night to the point of passing out, he drank to keep the demons away. Sometimes it worked. Now that Anna was back she would hold him and she would keep the darkness at bay.
They took their time driving up the coast to Washington. Stopping and walking along the beach. Talking, laughing and making love. Bonnie and Clyde back together again.
Chapter 3
James went over to the VA hospital just to check things out while Anna was at a job interview. He met a young man there who trained therapy dogs for Pets For Vets. They got to talking and James told him that they were living in a camp ground right now because at the moment they didn't have money to get a place. The guy told James he had a room above the garage that they could move into. It had a bath, a kitchenette and a living room/bedroom combo. James said they would take it.
Anna found a job working at a cafe she could walk to. James told her to take his truck he would feel better knowing she wouldn't be walking in the rain or in the dark on the nights she closed the cafe. They were so happy.
Anna loved James but she knew his night terrors were happening a little more often. He was drinking more. One night she came home to find he hadn't even gotten dressed or ate anything. There was a pile of beer cans surrounding the bed. She woke him and gave him a piece of pizza that she had brought home. He stayed awake long enough to eat it and to ask, "How was your day?" Then was out again before he could hear her answer him. That night there was no night terrors, no tossing and turning, he was so far into oblivion from the drinking. Anna didn't sleep that much that night, she was worried about James. She felt the change in him coming.
More and more she would come home and find him completely and totally drunk or passed out from a day of drinking. She loved him so much that sometimes she felt it consume her. They lived like this for two months.
Then one warm afternoon she walked home from work. Anna hoped that James was back home. She had hope in her heart this day because James told her that he was going to go to the VA to talk to someone about getting help. Maybe, just maybe, they could go out to dinner and a movie. She knew that James didn't like going out among people, his eyes were always darting about looking for the "Evil" that he knew was out there in this world. Loud noises could have him reaching for a rifle he no longer carried. Anna would take his hand and lead him back home to the safety of their four walls.
His truck wasn't there so she knew he wasn't back yet. Looking up at their home she knew it was empty, not just empty because no one was inside it, but because something else wasn't inside that room above the garage. Happiness was missing from that room. She knew it had slipped away a while ago with every beer can. With every empty whiskey bottle she picked up. She didn't mind being the only one working and she didn't mind James staying home all day. What she minded was watching him lose himself in beer and whiskey. It hurt not being able help him more. He needed more then she could give him. As she climbed the stairs to the room, she knew it was happening again to them. His war was coming between them. She was fighting to keep him sane and he was fighting the war of his yesterdays. She stepped into the room and she knew right away that his war had won.
Chapter 4
He watched Anna walk out the door after she had kissed him goodbye and wished him a good day. He knew what she was really wishing for, that the VA hospital would have a bed for him. He knew he needed to go and get help with his war demons. His drinking was coming between them. He held Anna in his arms last night. He felt her love flow into him and give him strength. Enough strength that he felt capable enough to say to her that he was going to the VA to get help with his drinking, with his nightmares, with just existing in a life that he wasn't fully living in. James felt strong. He knew that he could make it this time. He loved Anna and with her by his side they could do it this time. He fell asleep to the rhythm of her breathing.
After Anna had left, he sat on the edge of the bed, the hard metal edge of the bed rail pressing into the back of his thighs. James pressed his legs down harder trying to feel the pain it caused him. Just a little harder he thought, "There." There it was, just the edge of pain seeped into his brain. This was a daily ritual, he needed just enough pain to feel he was still alive . Sometimes it wasn't the bed railing, sometimes he would reach for the knife he kept hidden beside the bed. When he used the knife to poke into the bottoms of his feet, He knew that it would be a bad day of demons and drink and lots of it. He knew that Anna didn't know simply because she never looked at the bottom of his feet.
James reached for the knife.
He was up and dressed and was watching the coffee pot. The drip led his mind back to a time when he was always on guard. His brain was always thinking a step ahead of where his feet were standing, his eyes were in constant movement. To a time where there was no down time, no time of no movement. The dripping of the coffee pot blended into the background noise of his mind.
"His mind was thinking, was there enough bullets to get the Wolf Pack out of it this time? Their movement forward stopped, they were down this time. He felt surrounded, he could not go in any direction. Trapped! Well,he would not go down so easy. His men, his family,his Pack were falling,they just kept firing, then it stopped,it was quiet,except for the dripping of the blood of his buddy,dripping onto the stone beside him. He turned his head to ask him if he was okay but there was only a body lying there,he would never hear John's voice again or laugh over a drink. John's head was gone and James opened his mouth to scream,but no sound came out of his mouth,but his mind was screaming."
James was brought back to the here and now by the ringing of his cell phone, he couldn't answer it because his hands were shaking and his mind was ringing with the echoing of his scream. He reached for a coffee cup. Instead of a cup his hand brought back the bottle. He lifted it to his lips and felt the burn of whiskey down his throat and he felt the first drops of "re-life" that he had felt since rising this day.
Fifteen minutes later he was feeling better, tipping that bottle to his lips till the echoing scream became just a whisper of sound. His phone beeped again letting him know that he had a message. He listened to his message from Anna telling him that she loved him. There was a pause before she said goodbye. He knew what that pause meant. He knew she wanted to say, " Hope it all goes well. Just go to the hospital. I hope that you are already there, please, oh please." All of these were in that pause.
He lifted the bottle again and again. Before he knew it he had drank all that was left from the night before. He was still on the edge of losing himself, so he reached for a beer, then another and another. He passed out in his chair.....
He awoke with a start and he bolted upright, he looked at the wall clock, he grabbed his keys and stumbled to his truck. He had to be gone before Anna got home . He had to try, he had to try for her. For the love of his "Bonnie".
He stopped to get a pack of smokes at the Quick Stop Shop, and he grabbed a 40 ounce beer. He thought this will be the last one he would ever have again, because this time he was going to be okay, this time he would heal his mind and his soul. This Time.....
His phone rang again as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. It was his father, James didn't answer it, he didn't want to talk to his father. To hear the sadness and the pity in his voice that he had always heard since being back in the states. He remembered the look on his fathers face when he came to pick him up from the hospital after one of his flipping out drunks. He fought people that weren't there, so the cops were called and he was locked up for four days till the hospital had a bed for him. He spent four weeks there. He checked himself out claiming he was well.
James started his truck and drove away from the hospital. Anna would help him. All he had to do was let her really help this time. When James became aware of his surroundings he was standing on the edge of a cliff above the ocean, he had a empty bottle in his hand. He heard the crashing of the waves. He smelt the salt of the ocean, he looked across the ocean and saw the horizon. He saw the horror of war, the smell of gun smoke, of blood. He heard the sounds of screams, of bombs, of the rifle shots around him. James just couldn't stand there and let his pack fight without him.
James stepped forward and felt himself falling back into the war.
Anna sat in the dark waiting for a man who was never returning home again. She loved him.
~Jerrilyn~
Till my next talk,
Happiness to you.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
It's Me Again.
I WILL PAINT!
It has been awhile since I have let you my friends and family catch up to me and what is going on in my little part of my world.
Get a cup of a beverage of your choice and relax for a minute.
I have taken up a new hobby, well it is sort of a old hobby ,because I have painted before . I painted with Oil Paint, Acrylic, Felt Pens, Colored Pencils, and Ink, (that was a disaster, Ink that is). Well now I am painting with Water Color, it is a lot like your grammar school water color, but more expensive. I tried Water Color a few years ago, maybe it has been ten years now. I just know it was a long time ago. A friend of mine turned me onto it again. Shout out to Tracy, thank you. I have a little better grasp on it now. I love the easiness of the way the water and paint glide together. Love the easy clean up too.
I am having great enjoyment with my painting again. I thought I wouldn't paint again,because I lost the joy of it. I have found the love again of watching the paint glide onto the paper,like a car following the open road , straight ahead fast then slow to take a curve, if my brush crashes off the edge of the paper I no longer care, I just restart the brush and zoom, I am off again. It relaxes my racing mind, my worried brow, my teeth grinding pain. Sometimes I lay my head on my arm and watch my brush zoom towards me, then away from me taking me on that road it travels.
When I have reached the end of my newly painted road, sometimes my picture actually looks like something good. As if that was what my little racing brush had in mind all along. I sit back and look at it and I feel good, I have done it. I have finished! I crossed that line and I have came in first. My water color and brush and paper has taken me there and back safely. Like rushing through a country road with all the windows open and all the worry, and pain has rushed out that open window like a feather in the wind.
I share some of my paintings with you all and some I keep for me, because those ones have been driven when I was in my worst pain, so those are my secret roads I can look back on them and see the beauty of them . Am I good, maybe ,maybe not. I know when others look , when you look my reader you either see the beauty or you will not see it and think it is ugly. Yes your opinion matters to me, but not in the sense that you think it does, your opinion matters to me if it has touched you in anyway. Negative feed back or positive tells me I am painting a picture that not only moves me , but moves you as well. If you have seen those curves and straight lines and follow them and it touches you, then you too have crossed the finish line. I am a painter.
I know that this sounds corny and weird, but I am a Artist. I know that I will continue to paint till I can no longer see that road in my minds eye, then I will find another road, but in till that day come I will paint.
Spirit
D&S.R.
Peoples
Flowers
So you see not all are wonderful,but I like them. I think I have found my style which I would say is my style of Native design. Look for more.
so in till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness to you.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
I AM
I AM.
I am a woman, yes I am not the best looking, not the best shape, or in the best shape. Sometimes I burn the dinner ,I don't always get the clothes folded and put away, I hardly ever make a bed again after changing the sheets. My closet is overstuffed with the clothes I just had to have and only wore once and haven't worn again in months,years. I have shoes form when I was in the 8th grade, that no matter how much I try I can not get my feet into again.
The makeup I wear once a month on date night sits on the bathroom counters all year round, well maybe it does get put into the basket when I clean once a week, but then I haul it all out looking for my tweezers.
Which is also hidden under a mound of hair clips,ties,brush's ,comb's, earrings, and change.
I laugh to loud, I cry at dog commercials, and the elderly in love.
I love Bigfoot movies and the Creature Form The Black Lagoon movies. I
buy DVD I don't watch , for at least months, sometimes I wait a year before watching, but I had to have, I said, " Might as well get it while it is on sale." Monday through Friday night at 11:30 pm I watch Perry Mason before I go to bed, then when I am in bed I read Stephen King books and listen to Coast to Coast till 3am.
I sleep till late morning because I stayed up late. I must have coffee before I can be spoken too. I treat my dogs like babies. I talk to my self and I sing to my plants. Some times I forget to comb my hair all day. I strip off my jeans and tee shirt the moment I get home. I leave them where I dropped them, till laundry day. I listen to the radio up too loud.
My book shelves are over flowing with my books, that yes I will read again.I have way to much fabric , that some day will make a beautiful quilt , I have totes and totes full of yarn , just waiting to be made into baby beanies, baby blankets, booties ,I give away to the free kids coat closet.
I am a mess, but I a know one thing with all my being .
I am truly loved.
So Till My Next Talking
Peace and Love.
I am a woman, yes I am not the best looking, not the best shape, or in the best shape. Sometimes I burn the dinner ,I don't always get the clothes folded and put away, I hardly ever make a bed again after changing the sheets. My closet is overstuffed with the clothes I just had to have and only wore once and haven't worn again in months,years. I have shoes form when I was in the 8th grade, that no matter how much I try I can not get my feet into again.
The makeup I wear once a month on date night sits on the bathroom counters all year round, well maybe it does get put into the basket when I clean once a week, but then I haul it all out looking for my tweezers.
Which is also hidden under a mound of hair clips,ties,brush's ,comb's, earrings, and change.
I laugh to loud, I cry at dog commercials, and the elderly in love.
I love Bigfoot movies and the Creature Form The Black Lagoon movies. I
buy DVD I don't watch , for at least months, sometimes I wait a year before watching, but I had to have, I said, " Might as well get it while it is on sale." Monday through Friday night at 11:30 pm I watch Perry Mason before I go to bed, then when I am in bed I read Stephen King books and listen to Coast to Coast till 3am.
I sleep till late morning because I stayed up late. I must have coffee before I can be spoken too. I treat my dogs like babies. I talk to my self and I sing to my plants. Some times I forget to comb my hair all day. I strip off my jeans and tee shirt the moment I get home. I leave them where I dropped them, till laundry day. I listen to the radio up too loud.
My book shelves are over flowing with my books, that yes I will read again.I have way to much fabric , that some day will make a beautiful quilt , I have totes and totes full of yarn , just waiting to be made into baby beanies, baby blankets, booties ,I give away to the free kids coat closet.
I am a mess, but I a know one thing with all my being .
I am truly loved.
So Till My Next Talking
Peace and Love.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
FINDING
SHE FOUND HIM
Chapter 1
She had put off going through her mothers few things for three years . She could hardly believe that 68 years of her mothers treasures added up to 2 cardboard boxes.She remembered getting the call from the land-lady of the small boarding house that she had found for her mother to live in. The land-lady had promised to feed her mother and to keep a watch out for her mom. She just couldn't do it anymore. She had been taking care of her mother for it seems all of her life, Well at least since the age of six when her father left her.
She remembered her mother loading their clothes into her little old station wagon, but not having room for her little red bike that she had gotten from her dad for her 6th birthday. Her mother had promised to get her a new one, That promise had never been fulfilled, and it never would be . Her mom was in a plot out at Rolling Hills , backside plot site cut rate price.She did the best she could for her and now she was gone. Due to a large amount of alcohol, and not the drinking kind , but rubbing alcohol.She was sure that her mother didn't do it on purpose . She probably read the word alcohol on the bottle and thought it was drinkable. She missed her mother and thought that she was doing right by her. She had to work to pay the bills. After work one day she came home to their small rented apartment and found she was blocked by the firetrucks that were trying to put out the flames that were shooting out of her apartment. Her mother was standing in the parking lot with her robe on . She had found out that her mother had put some soup on the stove to heat up, then her mother passed out . Her mother was passing out a lot . Once not long before this latest fire Mom had passed out with a candle burning on the coffee table. Where her mother got the candle she never found out. That coffee table cost her $5.00 at a yard sale ,so no great lost there. But thinking what could have happened had finally come true. But her mother was alright. She knew now that she could no longer leave her alone while she worked.
She looked into putting her into a care home where they could watch her 24/7 , but that was just more then she could afford. She found the best place that she could. Mrs. Beckam was a widowed lady who rented rooms. She spent the afternoon talking to her and explaining what her mother needed and Mrs.Beckam said that she could do that . The price was something that she could afford. She had to rent a small place of her own now. She shared a apartment with two other women from her job..She always checked on her mother each night before going to her own home. She would brush out her Mom's hair, put her mother in her nightgown , then put her to bed. She would also set out her mothers clothes for the next day. That way she knew that her mother would at least get dressed for the day. She had worried about her mom daily. For the past 3 years her worry about her mom was gone.
She had gotten a better job with more pay, so she moved across town to be closer to her work. While she was packing she came across her mother's boxes. They brought tear's to her eyes, but before she would let them take her over she loaded them up, and would go through them when she was all set up in her new home. So on a rainy afternoon a few weeks ago she found the time . There were some of her old school pictures, and a Christmas star the she had made in 2nd grade. She remembered how she keep asking her mom when were they going to get a tree that Christmas . But there was no tree that Christmas. Her mother told her that her dad didn't send her any child support money. There were only a few Christmases when they had a tree. It was usually when a new "uncle" was around. The star was never put upon a tree top.She thought it was gone , thrown away a long time ago. And here it was all this time. She sat it aside before it could bring up more sad memories . She found old report cards, a bank book that she started up with her first baby sitting job. She would put the money in, mom would take the money out when she was sick,
" Mommy is sick real bad baby, just this one time."
Oh how many times had she heard , " just one more time" . She had stopped putting money in there. She started doing the shopping by this time. She used what money she had to buy milk, cereal, bread, she also at this time started taking her mother's money out of her purse, when her mother worked, just so their would be heat in the house . She always made sure she left her mom enough for a bottle. It was way too hard on otherwise. She rode the bus to work and to do all the shopping, she pull a cart behind her like she saw the old ladies in the neighborhood do. She would also ride the bus to find her mom and bring her home from varies parts of town.
She saw a small photo album. She opened it and there on the first page was a picture of her dad in his Navy uniform . She had almost dropped the album, she had all but forgotten what he looked like. She remembered his smile, then his laughter. How he would pick her up and spin her around in the air like a plane. She thought that he loved her, but then he left her. She turned the page and the next picture was of her parents on the day they married. Her mom so pretty and fresh out of high school, her dad in his uniform. They were looking at each other and smiling, looking so very much in love. There were baby pictures of her. Pictures of all three of them, even one of her sitting in front of a large Christmas tree with a huge pile of gifts. She was smiling, she must have been about 3. There were other pictures of that same Christmas . There was her mom with that ever present glass of brown liquid that she grew up seeing. There was a picture of her 6th birthday blowing out the candles and her father was laughing . She could almost hear him . A picture of her and her new red bike, her mother standing next to her with her glass in her hand,raised up like She was saying "cheers".
She flipped back to the picture of their wedding day. she gave a really good look at her mom and couldn't hardly believe the change in her moms appearance. She remembered brushing her mom's gray hair out the night before she died thinking did she ever remember when it wasn't gray. She grew up knowing that her mother was an alcoholic " Mommies sick baby" she put the album down, because there were no more pictures in there. As she was putting the stuff back in the box she saw a blue ribbon stuck between the bottom flaps of the box. She pulled the ribbon out ,and there was a ring tried to it. She remembered when her mother had taken it off and threw it across the room when they had stopped in a motel after leaving the house. When she went to pick up the ring her mother said," leave that ring of broken promises right there, I don't want to see it again." She had always thought that the ring was left behind in that motel room. Here it was in her hand, looking at it she wondered where her father was . Why did he leave her ? As turned the ring over in her hand she decided that she would try and find out about him. She slipped the ring on her finger and such an sadness came over her, she started crying.
She thought she heard her mother say, " leave that ring of broken promises in that box!"
She looked up but her mom wasn't there. She took the ring off and started to put it back in the box, but she just couldn't. She took the ring and put it in her small jewelry box.
Once again she thought that she heard her mother, " Put that ring back!", But she wasn't there to make her.
Chapter 2
The next day after work she stopped by the library to use the computer. She had her fathers name and the year that he was born . She knew this because one night when she came home from work her mother was very drunk, her mother held up her glass when she seen her daughter and said,
" Today is you dear old daddies birthday,So happy birthday, and here's to not being able to change me , cause I am just fine."
She had a hard time putting her to bed that night , so she covered her up and left her on the couch that night.
She typed in her dads name and the birth month and year he was born. A couple of names popped up, so she started at the top and read that 2 were deceased , she didn't think that they were her father. She was all but ready to give up when she came across a news article about a man jumping in the river to save a man from drowning after his canoe tipped over. The picture of the man looked just like him, Older yes, but the same smile. She knew that this was him. After a little more time she came up with an address in a city 150 miles away.She would go over there this up coming weekend, just to see where he lived. She didn't plan on seeing him. She just wanted to know what kind of house he lived in.
The weekend was finally here. She packed an overnight bag, she figured if she was going to drive a 150 miles she might as well make a night of it.A weekend of sight seeing trip. She put her bag in the car. She found herself sitting there waiting and thought, " do I really want to do this?" Did She really want to have anything to do with the man who left her and her mom.He should have been there to take care of her and Mom, Maybe she could of had a "normal" childhood.
Before she knew it she was backing out of her parking space and heading towards the freeway. She seemed to have driven on auto pilot,because she found herself sitting there in front of The House, Her Fathers House.The small white house had a green trim, the yard was mowed and neat.She sat there staring wondering if he ever remarried, and if he had other children. Did he have another daughter whom he had bought a little red bike for when she had her 6th birthday. Sitting there with these thoughts flowing though her mind and heart. She started her car and took off out of there,She knew she didn't want to see him, how dare Him for having another daughter! A daughter who didn't have to tell her teachers that her mother couldn't make it to any of the school functions because she was "sick". Yeah sick drunk! She didn't mean to think such things about her mother, she was gone now.
Her mother had a hard life after He left. They were always moving because there wasn't enough money to pay the rent.She knew that his new daughter was born and raised in the same house, married in the local church. He probably had grandchildren. He didn't need her!She was going to drive right back home, but again her auto pilot took her to a nearby motel. She checked into a room and sat there with a phone book in her hand looking for his phone number. There it was his name followed by a woman's name. There she knew it, he had remarried. Now she was sure there was another daughter.... Her half sister. Did she really want to meet them all. See a how happy they were, loving father, loving grandfather. What would she call him after all this time, she couldn't call him dad. She would call him by his first name . Well she wasn't going to call Him anything because she wasn't going to meet Him.Tomorrow she would get up and head right back home, and just forget the whole trip.
She was 51."Okay yes face it woman you are not your daddies little girl. You are a grown woman with a good job a nice apartment all to your-self, money enough to pay bills and put a little away for when you retire and take a trip or two."
She shook her head trying to get rid of her own voice. But her voice wasn't done yet."You don't need his approval of herself, or even how she took care of her mother, He never showed up at her services . You don't need your daddy to walk you down and aisle.
"She didn't even have any boyfriends, she just started to kind of date. More like just going out with friends. She was always taking care of her mom after work and in high school she was just... well to embarrassed to bring anyone home . Should she tell her dad about her lonely life? " This is what you left me to grow up to.Stop it enough!" Her voice in her head had stopped.
She took a hot shower. She put on her PJ's, grabbed her traveling bag which always had a few traveling snack foods and a couple bottles of water. The traveling bag always went with her. Living with her mom she learned to keep it at the ready. She flipped through the T.V., ate peanuts and a granola bar, and had some hard candy. At 9.pm she turned off T.V. and went to sleep. She was emotionally tired. Tomorrow she was going home.
Chapter 3
When she opened her eyes the next morning she found her self looking at a room that looked nothing like her bedroom. She sat up quickly wondering just where the heck she was. At that same moment she though that she heard her mother's laughter.She held her breath then slowly let it out, knowing now where she was and why she was there. It must have been the maid or the other guest at the motel that she heard laughing.
"Oh you are such a foolish girl."
"Mom what makes me so?" She spoke the words that she always had when her mother would say that to her when ever she did a foolish thing growing up.When She heard her own voice answering her mother , it all came rushing back to her , a sadness came over her. Mom was gone. What she thought was her mothers voice was just her memory.
Showered , dressed , coffee and a danish at a drive through coffee shack, she was ready to head home, her mind was set, away she went.... As she sat there blowing on her coffee to cool it down , she found her self once again sitting across from the "House".
" Young lady you start this call this minute and head home!"
She nearly dropped her coffee, she spilled a little of the hot coffee on her hand, "Mother really, don't yell at me, you made me spill my coffee!" Again the words were out of her mouth before she realized what she was saying. It could not be her mother , she had died three years ago. The stress must be making her a little crazy. She knew that she heard her mothers voice with her ears, on the outside of her head , not the inside. She sat there,
"Well?"
She gave a little scream and looked around in the car , no one was there! She heard a little laugh. She jumped out of her car. Standing there with a her half spilled coffee in her hand, her body ready to run, she was starring at her car.
" Are you alright? , Can I help you?"
Okay now she dropped her coffee and turned to run, when she saw a gray haired lady standing there looking at her like she was crazy , and maybe she was.
" I am sorry I didn't mean to frighten you.I live across the street in that white house , I seen you parked here yesterday and when I seen you today I thought maybe you were lost."
Here she was standing in front of the lady who was married to her father, the lady who gave him another daughter that got all his love.She wanted to jump back into her car, she grabbed the door handle and pulled , the door did not open ,she gave another tug at it. When she looked down at the door she saw that the door was locked. She must have hit the lock button in her haste to get out of the car.A second look she saw her keys still in the ignition, and her purse with her spares and cell phone sitting on the passages seat. "Damn!" was all she could think to say, and now she knew she couldn't get away. She couldn't run down the street. The lady would probably call 9-1-1. Well she didn't have to tell her fathers wife anything , not her name . She could lie about why she had been sitting here for 2 days. She needed to use her phone to call for a locksmith to open her car door.
" I seemed to have locked myself out of the car,when I..I jumped out because there was a ...a big spider in there, my spares are in my purse, which are on the seat there."
" You can use my phone."
She couldn't take a chance of running into her father, she was sure he would not recognize her, she was just a small child when he left her.
" I do not wish to disturb you and your.... husband, so If you can just call them for me . I shall wait out here for them."
" It will be no disturbance at all, at the moment I am the only one here."
"Thank you." She had to admit to herself that she was interested in seeing the inside of the house,where her father and his other family lived. She went with her. As they were crossing the street she thought she heard the word "foolish". She shook her head and keep on walking.
" The phone is in hear on the desk , I will fix you another cup of coffee while you use the phone."
She walked over to the desk , it was bare accept for the phone and phone book. She looked up the number of a locksmith , told him where she was . He would be there within the hour. An hour, She would gulp down her coffee and say that she would wait by her car.She decided to take a quick look around the study, she was sure that it must be her fathers. The room was small and very tidy. She could smell the faint scent of a pipe, a memory just floating around in the fog of her mind at the moment.She walked over towards the bookshelf by the door, she didn't want to get caught snooping. Just a quick look at the books,a lot of spiritual books and one there she remember from childhood , her dad would read it to her at bed time.She reached out and touched the book, she felt a tear running down her cheek. As see was wiping it away . Her fathers wife came back into the room.
"Do you remember that book and your father reading it to you? He has keep it there on this bookcase all these past years.And there, that picture of you is of your 6th birthday, your dad so loved that picture."
"You, you know who I am? But how?"
She did not want her dad's wife to know her.
Chapter 4
" Please come into the front room and sit have coffee with me and I will tell you ."
She wanted to run , she didn't want to hear about their happy family , But she couldn't walk away .As she followed her into the front room she looked about , trying to ready her self for the happy pictures and stories. She knew one thing she was not going to look at any family photos. "Please sit down , cream? sugar? let me introduce myself I am Doris your fathers wife."
Reality hit her in the heart.She sank down into a chair.She could feel her lip start to tremble and tears ran down her cheeks before she could stop them, Doris handed her a tissue , now she was really sobbing. She wasn't quite sure why she was crying. Was it because what she thought all along was true. She felt crushed.
She heard her mother's voice.
" I knew you never stopped loving him!"
That stopped her tears. She looked at her fathers wife .
"What?"
I said," here drink some coffee , I didn't mean to upset you. I knew that it was you yesterday, you look so much like your mother,and I see a lot of your father in you too!"
She looked up at her,she knew that her mouth must be hanging open like a fool.
"Yes I knew your mother , we were friends in high school , I also knew your dad back then too.Your mom and I were together one night at the record shop and as we were walking out your father was walking in, Jane said "mine", before I did. We turned around and walked back into the store. Your father was so handsome in his uniform, Your father only had eyes for your mom. They dated all that summer . He asked her to marry him that fall on the day he shipped out. When he came back June they were still so madly in love that they married 6 days after your mom's graduation. They moved to an apartment near the base. Your father was shipped out again after they had been married 6 weeks. Your mom and dad saw each other for a totally of 4 weeks in the 2 years before he came home . Your mom was so lonely for those 2 years. I went to see her as much as I could. I was in college and worked as many hours as I could get, to help pay for my books . There were a few times that I would stop by and find that she had been so lonely that she been drinking. I talked her into getting a job at the cafe where I worked to help pass the time away.Fall came and I was back in school full time so I didn't see her very much after that. Your father came home. She quit working when she found out she was going to have you.They were the two happiness parents, the 3 of you were one happy family. About 6 months after you were born they found out that they were excepting again, They moved into a house ,they wanted the whole dream. After your brother was born, Oh no, I see you didn't know. I am so sorry to be the one to tell you. Here take the box of tissue."
" I HAVE A BROTHER!, where is he? Why wasn't I told ? Did he go and live with father? Why don't I remember him?
" TELL THAT AWFUL WOMEN TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT!!!!"Screamed her mother.
Doris's eye got big . " I thought I heard a women scream, did you hear it?"
"No" I said, " I didn't hear anyone screaming, Tell me more about my brother, and where can I find him."
" NO, NO DON'T SAY ONE MORE WORD ABOUT MY BABY BOY!"
This was so loud she nearly fell out of her chair.Doris again looked wide eyed and she went to the front door and opened it and looked out, she came back into the room.
" I didn't see anyone or hear anymore screaming, maybe I should Dial 911."
She asked," Was the women screaming for help? I thought maybe she was just yelling for her dog or ..something. If we hear it again we will call."
There was a knock at the door,which made them both jump. It was the lock smith. She went out to the car with him and in no time the door was opened and she had the keys in her hand. She paid him and went back inside. She just had to hear about her brother. Doris had refilled her coffee cup and handed it to her.
" I figured you would want to hear more about you brother."
"They named him Robert after your mothers father, I really don't know how they could have been any happier but they were. months after your brother was born your mom had to go in for some surgery...just some women stuff. She would be in the hospital for at least 3 days. She wanted to get her parents to watch you two, But your dad said that he could manage just fine on his own. He would take that Friday off and the following week to be with her when she came home , just till she was back on her feet.The day of the surgery came and off they went to the hospital. Your grandmother watched you two till your father came home. He stayed till after the surgery and that he made sure that Jane made it through and she was settled in for the night. Your grandmother had you both fed and bathed and in bed sound asleep. Your dad was tried and went to bed without checking on you two, I don't think him checking would have made any difference, what happened was no bodies fault."
" What?, What happened?"
" NO, no please don't say anymore."
Her mother was crying , which made her stomach ball up into a tight little fist.
"Oh I do hate to say , but I cannot, not tell you. The next morning when your dad went to get you up he went over to the crib . Your fathers screaming was so loud that the neighbor came over to see what the matter was. Your brother was lying limp in your fathers arms. After all of the investigating , it was found that your brother had died from S.I.D. around 4 am so you see that was long after your father had been asleep."
"Oh no, my brother, my mother!" Tears were now flowing down her cheeks unchecked.
Doris took a drink of her coffee and continued.
"Your Father went to the hospital to tell your Mom,she went....Well she went crazy. Jane threw her book at Him, anything She could get her hands on .
Screaming, "You killed my baby,I knew that you couldn't take care of him,You Killed my baby!"
"The Doctors give Jane a shot to calm her down.After She fell asleep John just sat there holding her hand. Begging Jane to forgive him. I saw your Mother at Roberts funeral. I don't think she was aware of what was happening. I didn't see your parents again till a year later at my wedding. They were together, but not together.I only spoke to Jane for a moment ," She said that she was fine,busy taking care of you."
My husband and I left for our honeymoon shortly after that. That was the last time I spoke to Jane. After I came back from my honeymoon I was told that Jane got very drunk and started screaming at John about Robert , and that he had to carry her out to the car."
" He stayed because he loved you so much. He tried many times to help your Mother.
" MAKE HER SHUT HER MOUTH! LAIR,LAIR!" She heard her mother scream.
"Oh Momma I am so sorry." She said.
Doris looked at her and said,"Yes it was so hard for her,Once he even put her in the hospital. She stayed sober almost 6 months that time. One day your father came home and found Jane sitting on the couch with a whiskey in one hand and a blue ribbon that was on Roberts birth announcement in the other hand, crying.
She told John, " That no matter how hard he tried he would never be able to fix this."
She remembered the blue ribbon that was tied to the ring, She hoped that she had kept it.
"About a week later John came home and found that she had left.No note, nothing. Jane and you were gone. It was a year before he saw Jane again. She came home for her fathers funeral.She wouldn't come back to him, and she told him that he would never see you again , because she didn't want him to kill you like he killed Robert.She would write for money and he would send it . One day he showed up at her apartment .She took his money and said that you were at school and for him to come back the next day.The next afternoon when he showed up you and Jane were gone.After that it was always a p.o. box."
There was a gush of wind as if a huge fan was turned on in front of them,the side of Doris's faced turned a bright red as if she had been slapped. Her Mothers laughter rang out into the room.
Doris looked at her as if she had slapped her.
"I think you should leave now."
" Wait , what about my father? Where is he? I need to know what happening to him."
" You will found him at Willow Creek Rest Home.You will find the address in the phone book!"
She left with the sound of her mother's laughter echoing behind her.
Chapter 5
She drove around thinking about what just happened. Could her Mothers spirit ..ghost come back and talk to her, to be able to slap Doris, because she was sure someone had. Was that gust of wind her Mother? She had never believed in such a thing and to be true full she hadn't changed her mind about ghosts.She saw a park,She stopped there and got out and walked over to the swings, She was all alone there , so why not take a little swing while she was thinking things over. She remembered as a child she would find the nearest park . She didn't always like going home right away after school and she spent as much of her summer at the park that she could. There she could feel like the other kids , just another little kid swinging. That was before her life change. At the age of 11 she came home to find that her mother had cut her wrist.Not badly ,a bandage covered the cuts. That was one day she was thankful that her mother had been drunk enough not to be able to go through with it.After that she hated to leave her mother while she was at school. Always afraid of what she would come home to. It was kind of a blessing when Mom got back into liking to have dates and a ,man around. She was sure they wouldn't let her do herself in.
What was so going to do about her father? Should I go see him? I came all this way. He didn't leave me ,we left him.
She would go see him.
She pulled out her cell phone and looked up the number of the rest home. She called and told them who she is and if she could come and see him. They told her how to get there and that they would be waiting for her.It was a short drive away. She sat in the parking lot for a minute gathering strength. She was going to see her father after 45 years. Would he know her?
"No,no,Lena please don't go in there. I am the one who loved you enough to save you." She heard her mother's whining voice , the one she heard so many times.
"Lena baby mommy's sick,just a couple of dollars, please Lenie."
She couldn't take it anymore.
"Shut up ,you aren't alive ,you are dead,dead,dead...Leave me alone!" the voice stopped.
She got out of her car, walked up to the doors with quick sharp steps. Oh yes she was going to see her father aright.
Her father's doctor asked to speak to her before she went to see him.
"Your father is in fine health, it is his mind that he is a little confused in. He sometimes talks to your mother, Jane? She has passed a few years ago?"
Lena said" Yes Jane is my mother's name , she has been dead 3 years now."
"John is able to understand you and to answer you,but if he is not in the mood to talk he won't. The staff here just keeps talking to him anyway,that is usually when he starts talking to Jane."
After spending a little more time going over her father's condition a nurse takes her to his room. He was sitting on the side of his bed, talking to himself it seemed to Lena . He looked up when the nurse spoke to him.
"John look who has come to see you. It is your daughter ."
" Hello......Father."
" Well I will just leave you two to catch up."
Now she was alone with this old man that she didn't know any more.
"How are you?"
What more could she say? Before she could say anything else he spoke.
" I knew that you would come, so you have decided to show yourself to the nurses here.To what, to laugh at me? To tell them stories about me? Maybe you think you can fool them with your little story about Robert. Maybe try and have me put behind bars, so go ahead ,I have lived in a jail in my mind now for over 48 years. It wasn't my fault and you know it. It was yours!After he was born it was always not now you might wake Robbie. Oh I remember you yelling at me every time I tried to put him in his own bed.I would want to take you to the movies, you always said you couldn't go." Robbie might need me, here take Lena." I got so tried of hearing Robbie this,Robbie that. IT WAS YOU,YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR ROBBIE IS GONE! God forgive me!"
Lena stood there with her mouth hanging open and feeling like she was just punched in the stomach. What did he just say, what did he just say?
A very cold air came into the room, swirling around her ,she came face to face with it . She could swear that it was her mothers face she was looking at.
"GET OUT!" Her Mother screamed at her.
Her mother turned towards her father. " I TOLD YOU TO NEVER LET HIM SLEEP IN THAT CRIB, MY BABY,MY BABY YOU KILLED HIM!"
Lena backed towards the door, the cold swirling that she knew was her mother came flying towards her father. She saw him open his arms.
As she was sitting on the swing she got the phone call from Willow Creek Rest home telling her that they were sorry to tell her , but that her father had passed away , they figure that he passed shortly after she left, and that they were happy she got to visit with him.
Till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
Chapter 1
She had put off going through her mothers few things for three years . She could hardly believe that 68 years of her mothers treasures added up to 2 cardboard boxes.She remembered getting the call from the land-lady of the small boarding house that she had found for her mother to live in. The land-lady had promised to feed her mother and to keep a watch out for her mom. She just couldn't do it anymore. She had been taking care of her mother for it seems all of her life, Well at least since the age of six when her father left her.
She remembered her mother loading their clothes into her little old station wagon, but not having room for her little red bike that she had gotten from her dad for her 6th birthday. Her mother had promised to get her a new one, That promise had never been fulfilled, and it never would be . Her mom was in a plot out at Rolling Hills , backside plot site cut rate price.She did the best she could for her and now she was gone. Due to a large amount of alcohol, and not the drinking kind , but rubbing alcohol.She was sure that her mother didn't do it on purpose . She probably read the word alcohol on the bottle and thought it was drinkable. She missed her mother and thought that she was doing right by her. She had to work to pay the bills. After work one day she came home to their small rented apartment and found she was blocked by the firetrucks that were trying to put out the flames that were shooting out of her apartment. Her mother was standing in the parking lot with her robe on . She had found out that her mother had put some soup on the stove to heat up, then her mother passed out . Her mother was passing out a lot . Once not long before this latest fire Mom had passed out with a candle burning on the coffee table. Where her mother got the candle she never found out. That coffee table cost her $5.00 at a yard sale ,so no great lost there. But thinking what could have happened had finally come true. But her mother was alright. She knew now that she could no longer leave her alone while she worked.
She looked into putting her into a care home where they could watch her 24/7 , but that was just more then she could afford. She found the best place that she could. Mrs. Beckam was a widowed lady who rented rooms. She spent the afternoon talking to her and explaining what her mother needed and Mrs.Beckam said that she could do that . The price was something that she could afford. She had to rent a small place of her own now. She shared a apartment with two other women from her job..She always checked on her mother each night before going to her own home. She would brush out her Mom's hair, put her mother in her nightgown , then put her to bed. She would also set out her mothers clothes for the next day. That way she knew that her mother would at least get dressed for the day. She had worried about her mom daily. For the past 3 years her worry about her mom was gone.
She had gotten a better job with more pay, so she moved across town to be closer to her work. While she was packing she came across her mother's boxes. They brought tear's to her eyes, but before she would let them take her over she loaded them up, and would go through them when she was all set up in her new home. So on a rainy afternoon a few weeks ago she found the time . There were some of her old school pictures, and a Christmas star the she had made in 2nd grade. She remembered how she keep asking her mom when were they going to get a tree that Christmas . But there was no tree that Christmas. Her mother told her that her dad didn't send her any child support money. There were only a few Christmases when they had a tree. It was usually when a new "uncle" was around. The star was never put upon a tree top.She thought it was gone , thrown away a long time ago. And here it was all this time. She sat it aside before it could bring up more sad memories . She found old report cards, a bank book that she started up with her first baby sitting job. She would put the money in, mom would take the money out when she was sick,
" Mommy is sick real bad baby, just this one time."
Oh how many times had she heard , " just one more time" . She had stopped putting money in there. She started doing the shopping by this time. She used what money she had to buy milk, cereal, bread, she also at this time started taking her mother's money out of her purse, when her mother worked, just so their would be heat in the house . She always made sure she left her mom enough for a bottle. It was way too hard on otherwise. She rode the bus to work and to do all the shopping, she pull a cart behind her like she saw the old ladies in the neighborhood do. She would also ride the bus to find her mom and bring her home from varies parts of town.
She saw a small photo album. She opened it and there on the first page was a picture of her dad in his Navy uniform . She had almost dropped the album, she had all but forgotten what he looked like. She remembered his smile, then his laughter. How he would pick her up and spin her around in the air like a plane. She thought that he loved her, but then he left her. She turned the page and the next picture was of her parents on the day they married. Her mom so pretty and fresh out of high school, her dad in his uniform. They were looking at each other and smiling, looking so very much in love. There were baby pictures of her. Pictures of all three of them, even one of her sitting in front of a large Christmas tree with a huge pile of gifts. She was smiling, she must have been about 3. There were other pictures of that same Christmas . There was her mom with that ever present glass of brown liquid that she grew up seeing. There was a picture of her 6th birthday blowing out the candles and her father was laughing . She could almost hear him . A picture of her and her new red bike, her mother standing next to her with her glass in her hand,raised up like She was saying "cheers".
She flipped back to the picture of their wedding day. she gave a really good look at her mom and couldn't hardly believe the change in her moms appearance. She remembered brushing her mom's gray hair out the night before she died thinking did she ever remember when it wasn't gray. She grew up knowing that her mother was an alcoholic " Mommies sick baby" she put the album down, because there were no more pictures in there. As she was putting the stuff back in the box she saw a blue ribbon stuck between the bottom flaps of the box. She pulled the ribbon out ,and there was a ring tried to it. She remembered when her mother had taken it off and threw it across the room when they had stopped in a motel after leaving the house. When she went to pick up the ring her mother said," leave that ring of broken promises right there, I don't want to see it again." She had always thought that the ring was left behind in that motel room. Here it was in her hand, looking at it she wondered where her father was . Why did he leave her ? As turned the ring over in her hand she decided that she would try and find out about him. She slipped the ring on her finger and such an sadness came over her, she started crying.
She thought she heard her mother say, " leave that ring of broken promises in that box!"
She looked up but her mom wasn't there. She took the ring off and started to put it back in the box, but she just couldn't. She took the ring and put it in her small jewelry box.
Once again she thought that she heard her mother, " Put that ring back!", But she wasn't there to make her.
Chapter 2
The next day after work she stopped by the library to use the computer. She had her fathers name and the year that he was born . She knew this because one night when she came home from work her mother was very drunk, her mother held up her glass when she seen her daughter and said,
" Today is you dear old daddies birthday,So happy birthday, and here's to not being able to change me , cause I am just fine."
She had a hard time putting her to bed that night , so she covered her up and left her on the couch that night.
She typed in her dads name and the birth month and year he was born. A couple of names popped up, so she started at the top and read that 2 were deceased , she didn't think that they were her father. She was all but ready to give up when she came across a news article about a man jumping in the river to save a man from drowning after his canoe tipped over. The picture of the man looked just like him, Older yes, but the same smile. She knew that this was him. After a little more time she came up with an address in a city 150 miles away.She would go over there this up coming weekend, just to see where he lived. She didn't plan on seeing him. She just wanted to know what kind of house he lived in.
The weekend was finally here. She packed an overnight bag, she figured if she was going to drive a 150 miles she might as well make a night of it.A weekend of sight seeing trip. She put her bag in the car. She found herself sitting there waiting and thought, " do I really want to do this?" Did She really want to have anything to do with the man who left her and her mom.He should have been there to take care of her and Mom, Maybe she could of had a "normal" childhood.
Before she knew it she was backing out of her parking space and heading towards the freeway. She seemed to have driven on auto pilot,because she found herself sitting there in front of The House, Her Fathers House.The small white house had a green trim, the yard was mowed and neat.She sat there staring wondering if he ever remarried, and if he had other children. Did he have another daughter whom he had bought a little red bike for when she had her 6th birthday. Sitting there with these thoughts flowing though her mind and heart. She started her car and took off out of there,She knew she didn't want to see him, how dare Him for having another daughter! A daughter who didn't have to tell her teachers that her mother couldn't make it to any of the school functions because she was "sick". Yeah sick drunk! She didn't mean to think such things about her mother, she was gone now.
Her mother had a hard life after He left. They were always moving because there wasn't enough money to pay the rent.She knew that his new daughter was born and raised in the same house, married in the local church. He probably had grandchildren. He didn't need her!She was going to drive right back home, but again her auto pilot took her to a nearby motel. She checked into a room and sat there with a phone book in her hand looking for his phone number. There it was his name followed by a woman's name. There she knew it, he had remarried. Now she was sure there was another daughter.... Her half sister. Did she really want to meet them all. See a how happy they were, loving father, loving grandfather. What would she call him after all this time, she couldn't call him dad. She would call him by his first name . Well she wasn't going to call Him anything because she wasn't going to meet Him.Tomorrow she would get up and head right back home, and just forget the whole trip.
She was 51."Okay yes face it woman you are not your daddies little girl. You are a grown woman with a good job a nice apartment all to your-self, money enough to pay bills and put a little away for when you retire and take a trip or two."
She shook her head trying to get rid of her own voice. But her voice wasn't done yet."You don't need his approval of herself, or even how she took care of her mother, He never showed up at her services . You don't need your daddy to walk you down and aisle.
"She didn't even have any boyfriends, she just started to kind of date. More like just going out with friends. She was always taking care of her mom after work and in high school she was just... well to embarrassed to bring anyone home . Should she tell her dad about her lonely life? " This is what you left me to grow up to.Stop it enough!" Her voice in her head had stopped.
She took a hot shower. She put on her PJ's, grabbed her traveling bag which always had a few traveling snack foods and a couple bottles of water. The traveling bag always went with her. Living with her mom she learned to keep it at the ready. She flipped through the T.V., ate peanuts and a granola bar, and had some hard candy. At 9.pm she turned off T.V. and went to sleep. She was emotionally tired. Tomorrow she was going home.
Chapter 3
When she opened her eyes the next morning she found her self looking at a room that looked nothing like her bedroom. She sat up quickly wondering just where the heck she was. At that same moment she though that she heard her mother's laughter.She held her breath then slowly let it out, knowing now where she was and why she was there. It must have been the maid or the other guest at the motel that she heard laughing.
"Oh you are such a foolish girl."
"Mom what makes me so?" She spoke the words that she always had when her mother would say that to her when ever she did a foolish thing growing up.When She heard her own voice answering her mother , it all came rushing back to her , a sadness came over her. Mom was gone. What she thought was her mothers voice was just her memory.
Showered , dressed , coffee and a danish at a drive through coffee shack, she was ready to head home, her mind was set, away she went.... As she sat there blowing on her coffee to cool it down , she found her self once again sitting across from the "House".
" Young lady you start this call this minute and head home!"
She nearly dropped her coffee, she spilled a little of the hot coffee on her hand, "Mother really, don't yell at me, you made me spill my coffee!" Again the words were out of her mouth before she realized what she was saying. It could not be her mother , she had died three years ago. The stress must be making her a little crazy. She knew that she heard her mothers voice with her ears, on the outside of her head , not the inside. She sat there,
"Well?"
She gave a little scream and looked around in the car , no one was there! She heard a little laugh. She jumped out of her car. Standing there with a her half spilled coffee in her hand, her body ready to run, she was starring at her car.
" Are you alright? , Can I help you?"
Okay now she dropped her coffee and turned to run, when she saw a gray haired lady standing there looking at her like she was crazy , and maybe she was.
" I am sorry I didn't mean to frighten you.I live across the street in that white house , I seen you parked here yesterday and when I seen you today I thought maybe you were lost."
Here she was standing in front of the lady who was married to her father, the lady who gave him another daughter that got all his love.She wanted to jump back into her car, she grabbed the door handle and pulled , the door did not open ,she gave another tug at it. When she looked down at the door she saw that the door was locked. She must have hit the lock button in her haste to get out of the car.A second look she saw her keys still in the ignition, and her purse with her spares and cell phone sitting on the passages seat. "Damn!" was all she could think to say, and now she knew she couldn't get away. She couldn't run down the street. The lady would probably call 9-1-1. Well she didn't have to tell her fathers wife anything , not her name . She could lie about why she had been sitting here for 2 days. She needed to use her phone to call for a locksmith to open her car door.
" I seemed to have locked myself out of the car,when I..I jumped out because there was a ...a big spider in there, my spares are in my purse, which are on the seat there."
" You can use my phone."
She couldn't take a chance of running into her father, she was sure he would not recognize her, she was just a small child when he left her.
" I do not wish to disturb you and your.... husband, so If you can just call them for me . I shall wait out here for them."
" It will be no disturbance at all, at the moment I am the only one here."
"Thank you." She had to admit to herself that she was interested in seeing the inside of the house,where her father and his other family lived. She went with her. As they were crossing the street she thought she heard the word "foolish". She shook her head and keep on walking.
" The phone is in hear on the desk , I will fix you another cup of coffee while you use the phone."
She walked over to the desk , it was bare accept for the phone and phone book. She looked up the number of a locksmith , told him where she was . He would be there within the hour. An hour, She would gulp down her coffee and say that she would wait by her car.She decided to take a quick look around the study, she was sure that it must be her fathers. The room was small and very tidy. She could smell the faint scent of a pipe, a memory just floating around in the fog of her mind at the moment.She walked over towards the bookshelf by the door, she didn't want to get caught snooping. Just a quick look at the books,a lot of spiritual books and one there she remember from childhood , her dad would read it to her at bed time.She reached out and touched the book, she felt a tear running down her cheek. As see was wiping it away . Her fathers wife came back into the room.
"Do you remember that book and your father reading it to you? He has keep it there on this bookcase all these past years.And there, that picture of you is of your 6th birthday, your dad so loved that picture."
"You, you know who I am? But how?"
She did not want her dad's wife to know her.
Chapter 4
" Please come into the front room and sit have coffee with me and I will tell you ."
She wanted to run , she didn't want to hear about their happy family , But she couldn't walk away .As she followed her into the front room she looked about , trying to ready her self for the happy pictures and stories. She knew one thing she was not going to look at any family photos. "Please sit down , cream? sugar? let me introduce myself I am Doris your fathers wife."
Reality hit her in the heart.She sank down into a chair.She could feel her lip start to tremble and tears ran down her cheeks before she could stop them, Doris handed her a tissue , now she was really sobbing. She wasn't quite sure why she was crying. Was it because what she thought all along was true. She felt crushed.
She heard her mother's voice.
" I knew you never stopped loving him!"
That stopped her tears. She looked at her fathers wife .
"What?"
I said," here drink some coffee , I didn't mean to upset you. I knew that it was you yesterday, you look so much like your mother,and I see a lot of your father in you too!"
She looked up at her,she knew that her mouth must be hanging open like a fool.
"Yes I knew your mother , we were friends in high school , I also knew your dad back then too.Your mom and I were together one night at the record shop and as we were walking out your father was walking in, Jane said "mine", before I did. We turned around and walked back into the store. Your father was so handsome in his uniform, Your father only had eyes for your mom. They dated all that summer . He asked her to marry him that fall on the day he shipped out. When he came back June they were still so madly in love that they married 6 days after your mom's graduation. They moved to an apartment near the base. Your father was shipped out again after they had been married 6 weeks. Your mom and dad saw each other for a totally of 4 weeks in the 2 years before he came home . Your mom was so lonely for those 2 years. I went to see her as much as I could. I was in college and worked as many hours as I could get, to help pay for my books . There were a few times that I would stop by and find that she had been so lonely that she been drinking. I talked her into getting a job at the cafe where I worked to help pass the time away.Fall came and I was back in school full time so I didn't see her very much after that. Your father came home. She quit working when she found out she was going to have you.They were the two happiness parents, the 3 of you were one happy family. About 6 months after you were born they found out that they were excepting again, They moved into a house ,they wanted the whole dream. After your brother was born, Oh no, I see you didn't know. I am so sorry to be the one to tell you. Here take the box of tissue."
" I HAVE A BROTHER!, where is he? Why wasn't I told ? Did he go and live with father? Why don't I remember him?
" TELL THAT AWFUL WOMEN TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT!!!!"Screamed her mother.
Doris's eye got big . " I thought I heard a women scream, did you hear it?"
"No" I said, " I didn't hear anyone screaming, Tell me more about my brother, and where can I find him."
" NO, NO DON'T SAY ONE MORE WORD ABOUT MY BABY BOY!"
This was so loud she nearly fell out of her chair.Doris again looked wide eyed and she went to the front door and opened it and looked out, she came back into the room.
" I didn't see anyone or hear anymore screaming, maybe I should Dial 911."
She asked," Was the women screaming for help? I thought maybe she was just yelling for her dog or ..something. If we hear it again we will call."
There was a knock at the door,which made them both jump. It was the lock smith. She went out to the car with him and in no time the door was opened and she had the keys in her hand. She paid him and went back inside. She just had to hear about her brother. Doris had refilled her coffee cup and handed it to her.
" I figured you would want to hear more about you brother."
"They named him Robert after your mothers father, I really don't know how they could have been any happier but they were. months after your brother was born your mom had to go in for some surgery...just some women stuff. She would be in the hospital for at least 3 days. She wanted to get her parents to watch you two, But your dad said that he could manage just fine on his own. He would take that Friday off and the following week to be with her when she came home , just till she was back on her feet.The day of the surgery came and off they went to the hospital. Your grandmother watched you two till your father came home. He stayed till after the surgery and that he made sure that Jane made it through and she was settled in for the night. Your grandmother had you both fed and bathed and in bed sound asleep. Your dad was tried and went to bed without checking on you two, I don't think him checking would have made any difference, what happened was no bodies fault."
" What?, What happened?"
" NO, no please don't say anymore."
Her mother was crying , which made her stomach ball up into a tight little fist.
"Oh I do hate to say , but I cannot, not tell you. The next morning when your dad went to get you up he went over to the crib . Your fathers screaming was so loud that the neighbor came over to see what the matter was. Your brother was lying limp in your fathers arms. After all of the investigating , it was found that your brother had died from S.I.D. around 4 am so you see that was long after your father had been asleep."
"Oh no, my brother, my mother!" Tears were now flowing down her cheeks unchecked.
Doris took a drink of her coffee and continued.
"Your Father went to the hospital to tell your Mom,she went....Well she went crazy. Jane threw her book at Him, anything She could get her hands on .
Screaming, "You killed my baby,I knew that you couldn't take care of him,You Killed my baby!"
"The Doctors give Jane a shot to calm her down.After She fell asleep John just sat there holding her hand. Begging Jane to forgive him. I saw your Mother at Roberts funeral. I don't think she was aware of what was happening. I didn't see your parents again till a year later at my wedding. They were together, but not together.I only spoke to Jane for a moment ," She said that she was fine,busy taking care of you."
My husband and I left for our honeymoon shortly after that. That was the last time I spoke to Jane. After I came back from my honeymoon I was told that Jane got very drunk and started screaming at John about Robert , and that he had to carry her out to the car."
" He stayed because he loved you so much. He tried many times to help your Mother.
" MAKE HER SHUT HER MOUTH! LAIR,LAIR!" She heard her mother scream.
"Oh Momma I am so sorry." She said.
Doris looked at her and said,"Yes it was so hard for her,Once he even put her in the hospital. She stayed sober almost 6 months that time. One day your father came home and found Jane sitting on the couch with a whiskey in one hand and a blue ribbon that was on Roberts birth announcement in the other hand, crying.
She told John, " That no matter how hard he tried he would never be able to fix this."
She remembered the blue ribbon that was tied to the ring, She hoped that she had kept it.
"About a week later John came home and found that she had left.No note, nothing. Jane and you were gone. It was a year before he saw Jane again. She came home for her fathers funeral.She wouldn't come back to him, and she told him that he would never see you again , because she didn't want him to kill you like he killed Robert.She would write for money and he would send it . One day he showed up at her apartment .She took his money and said that you were at school and for him to come back the next day.The next afternoon when he showed up you and Jane were gone.After that it was always a p.o. box."
There was a gush of wind as if a huge fan was turned on in front of them,the side of Doris's faced turned a bright red as if she had been slapped. Her Mothers laughter rang out into the room.
Doris looked at her as if she had slapped her.
"I think you should leave now."
" Wait , what about my father? Where is he? I need to know what happening to him."
" You will found him at Willow Creek Rest Home.You will find the address in the phone book!"
She left with the sound of her mother's laughter echoing behind her.
Chapter 5
She drove around thinking about what just happened. Could her Mothers spirit ..ghost come back and talk to her, to be able to slap Doris, because she was sure someone had. Was that gust of wind her Mother? She had never believed in such a thing and to be true full she hadn't changed her mind about ghosts.She saw a park,She stopped there and got out and walked over to the swings, She was all alone there , so why not take a little swing while she was thinking things over. She remembered as a child she would find the nearest park . She didn't always like going home right away after school and she spent as much of her summer at the park that she could. There she could feel like the other kids , just another little kid swinging. That was before her life change. At the age of 11 she came home to find that her mother had cut her wrist.Not badly ,a bandage covered the cuts. That was one day she was thankful that her mother had been drunk enough not to be able to go through with it.After that she hated to leave her mother while she was at school. Always afraid of what she would come home to. It was kind of a blessing when Mom got back into liking to have dates and a ,man around. She was sure they wouldn't let her do herself in.
What was so going to do about her father? Should I go see him? I came all this way. He didn't leave me ,we left him.
She would go see him.
She pulled out her cell phone and looked up the number of the rest home. She called and told them who she is and if she could come and see him. They told her how to get there and that they would be waiting for her.It was a short drive away. She sat in the parking lot for a minute gathering strength. She was going to see her father after 45 years. Would he know her?
"No,no,Lena please don't go in there. I am the one who loved you enough to save you." She heard her mother's whining voice , the one she heard so many times.
"Lena baby mommy's sick,just a couple of dollars, please Lenie."
She couldn't take it anymore.
"Shut up ,you aren't alive ,you are dead,dead,dead...Leave me alone!" the voice stopped.
She got out of her car, walked up to the doors with quick sharp steps. Oh yes she was going to see her father aright.
Her father's doctor asked to speak to her before she went to see him.
"Your father is in fine health, it is his mind that he is a little confused in. He sometimes talks to your mother, Jane? She has passed a few years ago?"
Lena said" Yes Jane is my mother's name , she has been dead 3 years now."
"John is able to understand you and to answer you,but if he is not in the mood to talk he won't. The staff here just keeps talking to him anyway,that is usually when he starts talking to Jane."
After spending a little more time going over her father's condition a nurse takes her to his room. He was sitting on the side of his bed, talking to himself it seemed to Lena . He looked up when the nurse spoke to him.
"John look who has come to see you. It is your daughter ."
" Hello......Father."
" Well I will just leave you two to catch up."
Now she was alone with this old man that she didn't know any more.
"How are you?"
What more could she say? Before she could say anything else he spoke.
" I knew that you would come, so you have decided to show yourself to the nurses here.To what, to laugh at me? To tell them stories about me? Maybe you think you can fool them with your little story about Robert. Maybe try and have me put behind bars, so go ahead ,I have lived in a jail in my mind now for over 48 years. It wasn't my fault and you know it. It was yours!After he was born it was always not now you might wake Robbie. Oh I remember you yelling at me every time I tried to put him in his own bed.I would want to take you to the movies, you always said you couldn't go." Robbie might need me, here take Lena." I got so tried of hearing Robbie this,Robbie that. IT WAS YOU,YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR ROBBIE IS GONE! God forgive me!"
Lena stood there with her mouth hanging open and feeling like she was just punched in the stomach. What did he just say, what did he just say?
A very cold air came into the room, swirling around her ,she came face to face with it . She could swear that it was her mothers face she was looking at.
"GET OUT!" Her Mother screamed at her.
Her mother turned towards her father. " I TOLD YOU TO NEVER LET HIM SLEEP IN THAT CRIB, MY BABY,MY BABY YOU KILLED HIM!"
Lena backed towards the door, the cold swirling that she knew was her mother came flying towards her father. She saw him open his arms.
As she was sitting on the swing she got the phone call from Willow Creek Rest home telling her that they were sorry to tell her , but that her father had passed away , they figure that he passed shortly after she left, and that they were happy she got to visit with him.
Till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Catching up
CATCHING UP TIME.
I know that it has been such along time since I have sat here to actually get you caught up on what is going on in my life.
Nothing . The End.
Okay my attempt at a very small joke, I shall start with my mom;
Mom had her hip replaced in November 2013, she was in the hospital for 5 days and then did therapy here at home twice a week. By February of 2014 she is doing really good at getting around and now here in May she is out cruising in the yard without walker just using her cane. She never goes alone my little dog Pork Chop goes with her. If he gets to far ahead of her he always stops to wait for her. Now the is a gentleman for you. She likes to take him so she has someone to talk too. I secretly think, she hopes that if any thing happens to her that he will run and get help. We all know that he won't get help (just read my blog Nature and Me).
On Thursday mom got a new hair doo, a perm and a cut looks good, she is getting ready to take a couple of trips, she will be going to CA. and OH, this year. My beautiful niece Pamela is graduating from high school this year. "YAY CUPCAKE!" Then Ohio to visit my sister Bonnie and all the family back there. Not sure what order the trips are going to be in. Guess she hasn't made up her mind yet. Oh she will also be going back to visit Richard, but he lives in MT too, so not a lot of flying time there. What flying time I will be driving her over to see him. We will be stopping along the way to see the sight, Greasy Grass, a couple of Tatanka Jumps.I went to these places with Girlfrien' and I know mom will like to see them. Going to be looking for fossil's back at Rich's .Really looking forward to that, also will be stopping at some ghost towns now that mom is ready to be doing some walking.Mom and I will be wearing our sunscreen , about 3 weeks ago my had to have some surgery done on her face to remove some skin cancer, not the bad kind but cancer just the same so, lather up we will be doing. She had 42 stitches ,but the scar really doesn't look bad.Mostly just under her chin. So okay aside from that she is fine.
Okay now about Marty, he is fine. Has been doing that on and off working thing, he has been to CO. twice this year working on a log home. Keeping it a blessing because at least we can make the mortgage payments on time, but for the rest of the bills.....His ZBOWSTICKS are doing good he has sold some, a couple of them back east. He is making a name in the Bow making world. Happy for him. He keeps himself busy with making Bows working on his quad(finally got that figured out)it was the ....now don't start laughing cause this is what it really is called, hand in the air, pinkie swear it is called a petcock,..I'll wait for you to stop laughing...................
When he called around for a new one it was going to cost $109.00 buck-a-roo's. We went on ebay and found a rebuild kit for $26.00 should be here any day, then we will be heading to the hills for some good riding time. Love the wind in my face. Marty is a fire captain on the Victor fire department and he has been doing that on Wednesday nights they are gearing up for fire season hopefully with all the snow and cool/cold weather we are having we will not have a bad fire year.Right now he is out on a fire call, not sure if it is land or building fire. Praying for the safety of our firemen and women. I keep CA. firemen and women in my prayers also.He might be going back to work on Monday, fingers crossed.
Marty still has his website Zbowsticks.com, he is also on facebook, zbowsticks. He likes playing the pirate game, so stop by and say "hi". He came in and said it was a shed that brunt.I just hate hearing if it was a house. No one hurt all safe.
Now about me;what have I been doing? Okay I have made a couple of baby blankets, I have had the blessing of two nieces this past year. My nephew and his wife are excepting in Oct. I am thinking this little one is a boy , so I have to get started on that blanket but maybe I ought to make a little girl one too. I have been beading learning to bead in random pattern, thanks to my friend who moved up here last year, been spending some time over there, I mean to stay only a short time and always end up staying longer, I just get to talking and can not stop. I love visiting with her and her mother. Anyway she likes random and she,(Vicki) is teaching me how to set my mind free.Vicki is also going to teach me how to pin loom, that is sometime I have never done, looking forward to learning that. I have gone back upstairs to the sewing room now that it has warmed up, made mom a cute skirt, and I also made one for myself, have a vest pattern to go with mom's skirt so I will be doing that next and another skirt for me .I bought this material a year ago and I am just now getting around to making my skirt. I also have a quilt that I am working on, hopefully will get that finished.I have been painting, working on painting roses, want to be able to paint a couple of picture's good enough to frame for my bedroom.Learning acrylic paint is harder then oils for me, not sure why, but I am not giving up.
I am also doing a few things that I am really proud of, I have brought down my A1C level down from 12 last February to an 8.04 this May and I am going for a 7.anything by July.I have also starting crocheting hats preemie hats, newborn hats and toddler hats to donate this year the baby hats to the hospital and the toddler hats to the coat closet where they give the hats away free with the coats 30 hats so far.I call it The Warmth Of Willow,They are all donated in her namesake, She is one of my blessings.I have a couple of secret surprises I am working on and hopefully will be able to show/share with you all later in the year.I have been busy with all this because I have had my Direct T.V. turned off because it was sucking my energy. Now I have time to fill with created things and so far I am enjoying myself.
Thank you Wakan Tanka,Creator of all things, for the many blessings you have giving me.Well that is it for now,almost forgot I have 3 stories in the making; so keep an eye out for them.
So till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
I know that it has been such along time since I have sat here to actually get you caught up on what is going on in my life.
Nothing . The End.
Okay my attempt at a very small joke, I shall start with my mom;
Mom had her hip replaced in November 2013, she was in the hospital for 5 days and then did therapy here at home twice a week. By February of 2014 she is doing really good at getting around and now here in May she is out cruising in the yard without walker just using her cane. She never goes alone my little dog Pork Chop goes with her. If he gets to far ahead of her he always stops to wait for her. Now the is a gentleman for you. She likes to take him so she has someone to talk too. I secretly think, she hopes that if any thing happens to her that he will run and get help. We all know that he won't get help (just read my blog Nature and Me).
On Thursday mom got a new hair doo, a perm and a cut looks good, she is getting ready to take a couple of trips, she will be going to CA. and OH, this year. My beautiful niece Pamela is graduating from high school this year. "YAY CUPCAKE!" Then Ohio to visit my sister Bonnie and all the family back there. Not sure what order the trips are going to be in. Guess she hasn't made up her mind yet. Oh she will also be going back to visit Richard, but he lives in MT too, so not a lot of flying time there. What flying time I will be driving her over to see him. We will be stopping along the way to see the sight, Greasy Grass, a couple of Tatanka Jumps.I went to these places with Girlfrien' and I know mom will like to see them. Going to be looking for fossil's back at Rich's .Really looking forward to that, also will be stopping at some ghost towns now that mom is ready to be doing some walking.Mom and I will be wearing our sunscreen , about 3 weeks ago my had to have some surgery done on her face to remove some skin cancer, not the bad kind but cancer just the same so, lather up we will be doing. She had 42 stitches ,but the scar really doesn't look bad.Mostly just under her chin. So okay aside from that she is fine.
Okay now about Marty, he is fine. Has been doing that on and off working thing, he has been to CO. twice this year working on a log home. Keeping it a blessing because at least we can make the mortgage payments on time, but for the rest of the bills.....His ZBOWSTICKS are doing good he has sold some, a couple of them back east. He is making a name in the Bow making world. Happy for him. He keeps himself busy with making Bows working on his quad(finally got that figured out)it was the ....now don't start laughing cause this is what it really is called, hand in the air, pinkie swear it is called a petcock,..I'll wait for you to stop laughing...................
When he called around for a new one it was going to cost $109.00 buck-a-roo's. We went on ebay and found a rebuild kit for $26.00 should be here any day, then we will be heading to the hills for some good riding time. Love the wind in my face. Marty is a fire captain on the Victor fire department and he has been doing that on Wednesday nights they are gearing up for fire season hopefully with all the snow and cool/cold weather we are having we will not have a bad fire year.Right now he is out on a fire call, not sure if it is land or building fire. Praying for the safety of our firemen and women. I keep CA. firemen and women in my prayers also.He might be going back to work on Monday, fingers crossed.
Marty still has his website Zbowsticks.com, he is also on facebook, zbowsticks. He likes playing the pirate game, so stop by and say "hi". He came in and said it was a shed that brunt.I just hate hearing if it was a house. No one hurt all safe.
Now about me;what have I been doing? Okay I have made a couple of baby blankets, I have had the blessing of two nieces this past year. My nephew and his wife are excepting in Oct. I am thinking this little one is a boy , so I have to get started on that blanket but maybe I ought to make a little girl one too. I have been beading learning to bead in random pattern, thanks to my friend who moved up here last year, been spending some time over there, I mean to stay only a short time and always end up staying longer, I just get to talking and can not stop. I love visiting with her and her mother. Anyway she likes random and she,(Vicki) is teaching me how to set my mind free.Vicki is also going to teach me how to pin loom, that is sometime I have never done, looking forward to learning that. I have gone back upstairs to the sewing room now that it has warmed up, made mom a cute skirt, and I also made one for myself, have a vest pattern to go with mom's skirt so I will be doing that next and another skirt for me .I bought this material a year ago and I am just now getting around to making my skirt. I also have a quilt that I am working on, hopefully will get that finished.I have been painting, working on painting roses, want to be able to paint a couple of picture's good enough to frame for my bedroom.Learning acrylic paint is harder then oils for me, not sure why, but I am not giving up.
I am also doing a few things that I am really proud of, I have brought down my A1C level down from 12 last February to an 8.04 this May and I am going for a 7.anything by July.I have also starting crocheting hats preemie hats, newborn hats and toddler hats to donate this year the baby hats to the hospital and the toddler hats to the coat closet where they give the hats away free with the coats 30 hats so far.I call it The Warmth Of Willow,They are all donated in her namesake, She is one of my blessings.I have a couple of secret surprises I am working on and hopefully will be able to show/share with you all later in the year.I have been busy with all this because I have had my Direct T.V. turned off because it was sucking my energy. Now I have time to fill with created things and so far I am enjoying myself.
Thank you Wakan Tanka,Creator of all things, for the many blessings you have giving me.Well that is it for now,almost forgot I have 3 stories in the making; so keep an eye out for them.
So till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
Monday, September 16, 2013
My Bucket Lists
MY BUCKET LISTS.
List Number One
Bucket List Number Two.
Bucket List Number Three. (The real dream)
Till my next talking
Peace and Happiness .
List Number One
- Mop Floors
- Clean Bathroom
- Clean Bedroom
Bucket List Number Two.
- Get gas in my Quad , go for all day ride.
- Hot air balloon ride.
- Paint my master piece.
- Travel to Alaska
- Get a pair of sneakers that don't hurt my feet. Something with a nice high arch.
- Learn to do the Sloppy Swish.
- Travel to CA. to see all my friends.
- Snorkel off a Hawaiian Beach, without sharks!
- Take a week with Hubby and go to Glacier Park,MT.
- Go back to Crazy Women Canyon.
- Travel the Rose Bud Highway.
- Do stand up act, just once, and not in the cow barn with the cows.
Bucket List Number Three. (The real dream)
- Fly to Hawaii .
- Fly to Spain
- Fly to Ireland .
- Learn to fly a helicopter.
- Take a mule ride down to the bottom of Grand Canyon.
- Raft the Rio Grand.
- Bend over and tie my shoes.
- Hot Air Balloon ride.
- Fly to CA. and see my friends and family.
- Take one more trip to New Mexico.
- Put a book that I wrote on E-Book.
- Take 2 weeks with Hubby and travel around MT.
Till my next talking
Peace and Happiness .
Monday, August 19, 2013
Another Poem .
ONE MAN
by; Jerrilyn
One son was born to a family that needed him.
First he was raised by two,then one,then none.
Now he was one man.
One man who traveled all over Creator's land.
He saw the creature's that lived,
He smelt the flower's that bloomed.
Felt the breeze that blew upon him in Creator's land.
That one man became a lonely man, so he took a wife.
Wife said"I will stand behind you in whatever you do."
The man said," You will not stand behind me,but beside me."
That one man became a father.
Of whom he loved with his wife.
The father taught his children love,pride,honor,faith,
And the acceptance to walk the path that was set before Them as they lived in the Creator's land.
The father became a grandfather of many.
He loved his grand children.
The grandfather became a traveler with his wife.
They went many places together.
The man became a tried old man,
He said to his wife,"I need to rest take me home."
The wife said,"I will take you home and there I will
Stay beside you always."
Creator said one day to the old man," I have watched you grow, I have seen you walk in my land and leave it as you have found it, I smiled the day you took a good wife,and I have blessed you with healthy children and many grand children,But now I see that you are tried.
I shall take you to my home, so that it may become your home,and you may rest till you see your family again."
That one man went with the Creator, and become a man in the world of Ancestors.
Patiently waiting for his wife, and family.
Till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
by; Jerrilyn
One son was born to a family that needed him.
First he was raised by two,then one,then none.
Now he was one man.
One man who traveled all over Creator's land.
He saw the creature's that lived,
He smelt the flower's that bloomed.
Felt the breeze that blew upon him in Creator's land.
That one man became a lonely man, so he took a wife.
Wife said"I will stand behind you in whatever you do."
The man said," You will not stand behind me,but beside me."
That one man became a father.
Of whom he loved with his wife.
The father taught his children love,pride,honor,faith,
And the acceptance to walk the path that was set before Them as they lived in the Creator's land.
The father became a grandfather of many.
He loved his grand children.
The grandfather became a traveler with his wife.
They went many places together.
The man became a tried old man,
He said to his wife,"I need to rest take me home."
The wife said,"I will take you home and there I will
Stay beside you always."
Creator said one day to the old man," I have watched you grow, I have seen you walk in my land and leave it as you have found it, I smiled the day you took a good wife,and I have blessed you with healthy children and many grand children,But now I see that you are tried.
I shall take you to my home, so that it may become your home,and you may rest till you see your family again."
That one man went with the Creator, and become a man in the world of Ancestors.
Patiently waiting for his wife, and family.
Till my next talking,
Peace and Happiness.
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